Compressing the Ashes
It's time to call 'stumps' on five-test Ashes series Down Under
One ball into the current Ashes series, the omens for England looked distinctly ominous. By the end of the Gabba test, we already had a fair indication that this tour was going to be yet another doomed mission. Then the at-times comical loss in Adelaide, supposedly a game the visitors could target, confirmed that the wheels were indeed coming off.
The moment Jos Buttler stood on his wickets that final afternoon in South Australia, killing all hope of a fighting draw, was the point at which any informed cricket observer knew for sure there was little point watching the games in Melbourne (below*), Sydney or Hobart. Unless you like watching boxers being pummelled long beyond the point when the referee ought to step in, that is.
Same old, same old. You don’t need me to point out that it’s always over long before it’s over when England tours Australia. Barring the 2010-11 crusade, in fact, my 41-year-old memory can only come up with slight variations of the script unfolding now. And so to my point: we don’t need the Ashes in Australia to play out over five tests.
I know, I know. Marquee series and all that. The only one that still makes time for five matches at all, in fact. We live in a world where those rubbish two-test contests are becoming the norm, even between numbers one and two on the ladder. Leave it alone!
But wait: I’m not hating on five-match series here. I want more of them! But only if it’s a contest. There’s got to be a good chance of a ding-dong, otherwise it’s the painful, embarrassing waste of time we’re witnessing now. This isn’t rocket science - it’s the logic behind ‘minnow’ nations typically being limited to one or two tests when they visit top-tier countries. These are cases where form, skills and history suggest you don’t need a prolonged tour to know who’s the better side.
That logic is fine. But then - shock, horror! - we need to recognise that England in Australia is just such a case. In this context, the Poms are minnows. Even the sample set of the last three tours is big enough, surely? Who else is so reliably lamentable on Australian soil? Not Pakistan, Sri Lanka or even the Windies - and such tourists are lucky to be assigned three tests Down Under, never mind five. It’s hard to imagine that even Afghanistan or Ireland could have embarrassed themselves to a greater degree than England on this tour, after all. Not with the bat, anyway.
If we were really honest about what series past have to teach us, this Ashes would have been scheduled for a maximum of three tests, and we’d be watching some other country take on Australia in Sydney and Hobart. Sure, most available opposition would get pummelled too. But perhaps an Ireland or an Afghanistan would at least learn and improve from the experience? England have been coming to Australia for 140 years (their first visit was a three-match affair, incidentally, lest we think five is historically sacred) and seem to have picked up nothing more than scars. Give the other blokes a go.
As fine a thing as tradition is, it’s time to downgrade England on Australia visits. The calendar is crowded, and it’s wrong for mismatches to gobble up time that could be used for more worthy contests. Furthermore, it is no longer a secret that experiences such as England tend to have Down Under can have serious mental health implications for some of those involved. In a supposedly civilised world, that should be reason enough to put a stop to such farces.
For this to happen, though, the powers-that-be need to start being more flexible with regards to current form and where a series is being played. The latter point is the reason I wouldn’t dream of cutting the Ashes when it’s played in England, which tends to be a close, entertaining, memorable, healthy contest.
And, assuming such flexibility, here are some series far more deserving of an upgrade to five tests:
India v Australia (home and away)
New Zealand v Australia/India/Pakistan/England (home and away)
England v Pakistan/India (in England)
India v Pakistan (a man can dream, can’t he?)
Not too long ago, South Africa would have featured prominently in that list too. But while the cricket world waits and hopes that the Proteas can build a test side worthy of those past, I wouldn’t be sending them any five-test invites. When they pick up their game, give them more matches. Similarly, if the day comes when England can regularly compete over three tests in Australia, bump them up to five again by all means. Flexibility works both ways.
As always, my thoughts here are based on sporting ideals rather than commercial reality and its attendant scheduling compromises. But I do know that this England touring party should have been made to free up at least two precious test fixtures for someone else to play. I suspect the players would bite your arm off to do so now.
And given Melbourne’s Celtic connections, I reckon more of its people would have come along to watch Ireland on Boxing Day than you’d think…
*Picture credit: Neb, CC BY-SA 4.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0>, via Wikimedia Commons